Questions of Love and Control
by Anne Maria
Summary: How can you love, when running away is your nature? Mara questions her ability to succeed at such a close relationship. Will Luke's love be enough?


**A/N: **Thanks a million to my amazing beta **Jade Sabre**, who put up with my comma infestation and helped make this story a lot better than it originally was. You rock, Jade.

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At times, running away is tempting.

You've spent your whole life on the move, so, unlike most people, you don't find it an annoyance, but your nature.

Running away is your nature.

So why should you stay, if you know it's going against your very nature every time Luke tries to come closer, every time he offers you his love or attempts to reach out to you, to enter into your heart?

Why not do what you'd do in any other situation: save yourself, escape from him and make a new life on the other end of the galaxy, alone, completely alone. Lick the wounds vulnerability has opened in you, the wounds that have left your flesh exposed. And from then on never let anyone else come so close, this close. You can. You still can. Push him away, hurt him, hurt him as much as he's hurt you by making you vulnerable – by making you need him. You will never need anyone.

You close up, build your walls, shut him out. He notices you are silent and pensive. He notices the light is gone from your eyes. But he doesn't push you. And oh! how you'd like him to, to drive you insane with questions, to give you more reasons to hate him, more reasons to be finally convinced that this is not going to work, that there is no way you will ever be able to love. Love! The very idea makes you want to shriek. Doesn't he see it? Isn't it painfully obvious? Is it possible that he still hasn't realised that you cannot love?

You spent the largest part of your life living a lie, a lie Palpatine crafted for you. But when he died, didn't you remain inside that farce? And you did it because you wanted to, because that fake world was safe to stick to, because it was safe to keep blocking out the world, to keep telling yourself that you needed nothing from a galaxy of cowards and good-for-nothings.

Yes, it was your choice to perpetuate Palpatine's make-believe world. And if the idea ever occurred to you of getting out of it, of destroying the lie, of leaving the imaginary world and giving yourself a chance to explore others, it was already too late. It has always been too late for you. And that is what Luke just cannot accept, because his father was Vader, and he believes in the goodness of your soul and all that crazy and naive stuff he takes to heart. Because he _is_ a good person, and he can make someone very happy.

But not you. You have not been made for this kind of life.

It doesn't matter how much he cares for you, how much he tries to help you. There are no chances for you. You cannot love. You're too selfish and egocentric to love. You can't think of another's well-being. You can't care for someone else, because your instinct will never allow you to. Palpatine took good care of that when he trained you. You will always think of yourself first, always shut others out when they come too close, because defence is your way of living. You know no other. And most times it is not a conscious reaction. It is too ingrained in you to try to change it now.

But, while you think all this, while your soul and your mind are in turmoil and all you want is to cry out loud and release the tension; while you want to follow your instinct to pack your stuff and fly as far away from Luke Skywalker as the galaxy allows, Luke, as usual, does something that annoys you even more. Instead of putting pressure on you, instead of getting mad or being tired of dealing with your insecurities and paranoias, he simply comes to sit beside you and stays there, playing with your fingers, caressing them with his.

And just like that, after some minutes have ticked silently by, you discover yourself leaning into him, seeking his embrace, and accepting its comfort and warmth.

You stamp hard on the floor with all your strength. Dammit. You hate him so, so much for doing this to you. And you hate yourself for wanting to give in so quickly. You should have more self-control. You used to have tons of it. You could hold every single one of your emotions and reactions coldly in check. You could kill ten people in a minute and leave the spot without a single hair out of place. You hate the way he controls you now.

Because that is what bothers you so much. You can't bear that he has control over you. Your whole being seethes with impotence when you lose control of your emotions, when you can't keep yourself from letting him take over you.

You want to remain alone. You're used to it. You've survived like that for many years, and you are certain you can survive like that for the rest of your life. That is a safe and known and controllable world. But this world, this world where you share your life with Luke, where he has such a huge influence over you, it's scary. You can't control it, and you hate things you can't control.

And yet, you just can't deny what your whole being is telling you to do, is actually doing, regardless of all your apprehensions. You have allowed Luke to hold you in his arms once more, and there's no way in the universe you can ignore the fact that you feel completely at ease here, safe and warm, and that surprisingly, you've let your guard down, although you can't possible tell when that happened.

Still trying hard to resist, you let the thought creep into your mind, barely a whisper at first: perhaps, after all, there is a chance for you. If you can accept his company like this, his protection, his help – even his love – and since it happens… instinctively, then maybe you can do this. Maybe you're already doing this, and you have not yet realised it.

You decide – though you suspect you would have stood very little chance against your heart had your decision been otherwise – that you will give the two of you a chance. You will give Luke a chance, and yourself, and you will give this beautiful thing, this love of yours, a chance. This love that you feel growing stronger inside you every minute and filling you more and more, slowly but steadily displacing other feelings – many of them negative ones – that once ruled your life.

Yes. You can make this work. Because there are things in you that Palpatine ignored, things that didn't serve his purposes and therefore he carefully avoided teaching you about. Things that Luke is discovering now, because he loves them, like your ability to sacrifice yourself for others, and – yes – your ability to love others.

You can make this work. All you need is to let him help. All you need is him.


End file.
